January 2021

This may be a post I never publish. Maybe I just need a place to vent, to talk about my feelings, to dump my tears. 

I am tired. Exhausted. Not so much physically, though I am not sleeping all that well without assistance. But inside. Tired of being afraid. For my family. For my country. I want to just lock the world out and huddle my boys around me and stay safe. 

But I don't want that. I want to go and do and see the world. See my friends. My brother. My father. I want my kids to see their cousins and their grandparents. Their friends. I want them to have birthday cake and nerf wars and sleepovers. It's selfish, I know. And they won't have that right now, and I am sure they will be just fine. But I have stress cracks in my heart. 

There is so much loss. Two people I know lost parents to Covid this week. How do we even grieve right now? All the traditions of gathering together to support and shelter one another are limited. It's all so damn scary. So unpredictable. And, for whatever reasons, there are people - people I know - who feel like masking and distancing are somehow about ANYTHING other than keeping others safe - or it is too damn inconvenient to actually DO anything for our fellow humans? Why is looking out for one another in such a small way somehow so freaking hard? I'm tired of being angry. 

Did I mention that I was tired?